Fate.

Fate.  Destiny.  Everything happens for a reason.  It’s a part of God’s plan.  It was meant to be.  When one door closes another one opens.  Have you heard these lines?  I would guess you have.  And we have probably even said one to ourselves and/or to someone we know.  I used to believe in some version of these half-truths.  And I still do.  And I don’t.  Because let’s be honest.  Bad things happen.  Bad things happen to good people.  Bad things happen to bad people.  It doesn’t really matter, we all deal with loss, disappointment, a change in plans…  What’s the saying, change is the only thing you can count on?  And well, after the death of one’s baby, for the vast majority of us, our world changes, and so do we.  I am not the same woman I was before my loss.

When I was younger, and before Life happened to me, I believed things happened for a reason.  I lived a fairly charmed naive life, at least when it came to loss.  Before the death of my daughter, I had never lost anyone significantly close to me.  I didn’t know how a hole could be ripped open in one’s heart, soul and life after a loved one dies.  Now I know.  Now I get it.  I have been on a path I never anticipated, never planned, would never wish on anyone.  And I get it, that’s true for so many of us, in so many ways.  Loss is not unique or special to me.  And I know this intimately when I sit with another babyloss parent.  When life as they know it has been torn to shreds.

It is in these painful moments that many of us look for meaning.  None of us really know how to make sense of these painful moments, but we want to.  Because if we could KNOW WHY, well, then what?  We could understand what happened?  Accept what happened?  Prevent it from happening it again?  Somehow control it?  Ahhh…control.  That’s a biggie.  But if we can’t control  it, at least it still happened for a reason.  Right?!  At least there’s a silver lining to every dark cloud…right??

Personally, I don’t believe everything happens for a reason.  There is no reason good enough that my daughter died.  It.just.didn’t.need.to.happen.  And yet.  And yet I make meaning out of it.  I was a psychotherapist before my loss.  I worked in the field of sexual health and I was passionate about pregnancy, birth and parenting.  I’m still a psychotherapist after my loss.  And now I’m a psychotherapist that specializes in working with women and couples who have experienced babyloss.  I have taken my professional skills and personal experience to redefine my work.  Truly, I love what I do.  I’ll say that again and again.  It is an honor.  It is sacred space to witness another parent’s profound loss, to get to know about their baby, their pregnancy…these details that so few get to know.  I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for my daughter.  She is a gift.

So.  Does it make sense to me?  No.  Did it happen for a reason?  No.  Yet it happened.  It is up to me to work with my loss, and to find meaning and connection in my life after loss.

How do you make meaning out of your loss, if at all?  Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

Shelly