Family of four?

How do you know when you’re done having kids?  For many babyloss families, this is a difficult question to answer.  And it makes sense that it is.  If you’ve lost a child, a member, or members, of your family is always missing.  The child(ren) you lost will never be here Earth-side.  I have a hard time wrapping my head around this one sometimes.

Of course I’m writing about this because it’s up for me personally at the moment.  The personal is so much more inspiring than something we don’t really care about, or can’t really understand.  My family is friends with other families in our area.  Many of those families have two living children in them, or know they want another child.  And well, that stirs up some things for me.  As it should.  Their decision triggers my stuff, as often happens in life.  We see a friend make a career change and it causes us to question what we’re doing.  Someone decides to be a stay at home parent, and we wonder if we want to do the same.  But what I am reminded of in this situation, is that my family is already a family of four.  It’s just that one of our children, the first daughter we had, died.  Kinda complicates things.  Are we a family of four?  Yes.  For sure.  Without a doubt in my heart and mind…or at least with only a little doubt.  Because sometimes when things aren’t seen or validated by others, it can cause us to question what’s really true for us.  If no one else can see my family of four, does it really exist?

At the end of this road, these questions that stir my heart and soul, there is acknowledgement that my daughter died, and she still is not here.  And never will be, not Earth-side.  So these questions, these experiences of seeing other families with two living children are simply a bittersweet reminder of everything I have, and everything I lost.  And that is the beauty and pain of my family of four.

What is the beauty and pain of your family?  How do you know if and when you are done having children?



family of four pier on water